Why I Kept My Mental Health Struggles a Secret
This article is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of a qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a mental health condition. If you think you or someone you know might be suffering from any mental health conditions, please seek help from a licensed clinical psychologist or psychiatrist.
A few months ago, one of my closest friends broke up with her boyfriend. Between her sobs and tears and telling me about all the issues she’d been having with the boyfriend, she asked me,
“How is that you can solve your problems on your own while I always seem to struggle?”
At that moment, I wanted to give her the biggest hug possible and reassure her that I struggled a lot, too. But I also had help all this time.
I just never told anyone about it.
I’ve been in and out of counselling since I was 18 years old.
Up until a few years ago, I only learnt that anxiety was a legitimate condition.
Photo by Patrick Kool on Unsplash
Unlike the movies, I don’t get those chest clutching, hard-to-breathe break downs. My anxiety feels like it's constantly creeping in slowly like a snake quietly slithering towards its prey.
Thanks to years of military-style dance training, I’ve learnt to put a smile on my face no matter how I felt inside. The show must always go on! I make sure that I can function like a “normal” person and get on with my day-to-day things.
But on the inside, I get a horrible hollowed-out feeling in my chest. It's an intense feeling of loneliness even when I’m surrounded by loved ones.
There are times when I felt the need to talk to some just to get things off my chest. I had thought about opening up to my family and close friends about what I was going through. But there was always a doubt at the back of my mind that made me think twice. The thought of speaking to someone about my mental health issues other than my counsellor felt like dangerous territory.
Occasionally, my partner would catch me crying in a corner at home for what seems like no reason at all. My friends would wonder why I said “no” to yet another night out. Whenever I tried to open up a little about what I was going through, people used to tell me I was making things up, being dramatic, taking things too personally or have an overactive imagination.
These comments would follow with advice like “you should be more open-minded” , or “you should be happy”.
You should do this or that, be more like this…
You should. You should. You should.
Photo by Zulmaury Saavedra on Unsplash
Eventually, I believed them. I believed that whatever I felt was wrong. I believed that being emotional was something that I had to “man up and get it over with”. It made me feel shameful and guilty about having anxiety. I believed that having these “negative” feelings were bad.
My anxiety doesn't give me a lot of self-confidence and self-esteem to start with. But the more I tried to talk about it, the more guilt and shame I felt about my mental health issues.
Eventually, I gave up trying. Just like going on stage in my earlier dancing days, I would go into character in certain social situations and smile, laugh, drink, eat and small talk appropriately. I made sure that I could still go to work without my colleagues realising that I wasn't well. And then, I would go home feeling extremely exhausted. Sometimes, I felt so tired that I cried myself to sleep.
It was a vicious cycle that left me exhausted all the time.
Photo by Zack Minor on Unsplash
It took me many hours of therapy to learn that being mentally unwell isn’t something to be ashamed of. I had to learn how to communicate with my partner when I wasn’t feeling well so that he can learn about how to support me better.
Most importantly, my counsellor reaffirmed that my emotions were real and not a fictionalised reality of my imagination.
She taught me to embrace anger and sadness and positively unload my emotions.
I feel grateful that there’s now more emphasis on mental wellbeing everywhere. I admire those who choose to step out of their shadows to talk about their mental health journey.
Voices need to be heard, and the definition of our mental health journey needs to be clarified and understood.
For me, it’s still a deeply personal and sensitive subject to bring up. And that’s okay, too.
I hope that this article will be able to reach out to those who are still struggling in their shadows. Whether you choose to vocalise your mental health journey publicly or privately, or if you’re just starting to seek help, know that you’re not alone in this.
If you suspect that you may suffer from anxiety or any mental health condition, and are facing stigma or find it difficult to find a suitable therapist, consider Online Therapy. Online therapy is provided by professional therapists trained to treat a wide range of mental health conditions and provide security and privacy, enabling you to get help in the comfort of your own home. Learn more about Online Therapy
This article is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of a qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a mental health condition. If you think you or someone you know might be suffering from any mental health conditions, please seek help from a licensed clinical psychologist or psychiatrist.
Editor’s note:
It’s incredibly difficult to talk about our mental health. Struggling with mental health is a struggle with an invisible illness that oftentimes, feels almost impossible to put into words and make sense of, much less share it with someone and risk the chance of rejection, dismissal of our pain, or apathy. We thank our brave contributors that find the courage to share their stories with the community at Common Care.
Our mission is to destigmatize mental health and increase access to mental healthcare. We are looking to build a truly safe, non-judgmental and supportive space for our community to support one another and learn from one another.
On behalf of our contributor, thank you for taking the time to read and hope you feel less alone on your mental health journey.
If you are interested to share your mental health story with others, please contact us at community@commoncarecentral.com