How do I tell someone I'm dating about my mental health struggles?

Dating and starting a relationship is exciting, but telling your new partner about your mental health problems can be nerve-racking. Even though the mental health stigma is dissipating, you are never quite sure how they are going to react and whether they would break up with you because of your condition. 

In fact, one in four people in the world will be affected by mental health disorders at some point in their lives. In Hong Kong, at least one in six people have a common mental disorder such as anxiety and depression. While it can be healing to open up to people you care about in your life, this means inviting someone to see a vulnerable side of yourself.

Photo by Matt W Newman on Unsplash

Should you tell someone you’re dating about your mental health condition?

This is a personal decision and entirely up to you to let them know or not, but telling people you care about, including the person you’re dating, can help them better understand you and how you’re feeling. A survey in the UK found that two in three people with mental health problems who told their partners about their condition said that their partners “weren’t fazed” and were “really understanding” when they first heard the news. 

Remember, your mental illness is part of you, but it does not define who you are. Choosing to talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend about your mental health may also help them open up to you, which can help your relationship grow stronger. 

Photo by Krists Luhaers on Unsplash

When to tell the person you’re dating

As you may have guessed, there isn’t a “right time” to do it, and no one can determine whether you are ready to do it except you. This may be a month into the dating or six months, but it is usually not a first-date conversation. If you feel your relationship is meaningful and looks like it’s going to be long-term, you will have to tell them at some point.

NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) points out that “by sharing your health history, you share insight into not just your challenges but also your strengths”. Talking to your partner when you deem the relationship serious means you have had the time to appreciate each other’s personalities and qualities despite a mental health condition. 

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

You may also consider the way the person you’re dating talks about other people, and how they react when you share other personal information. Do they show maturity, compassion and understanding? Or do they act insensitive and make judgemental comments? When you previously shared emotionally intimate details with them, did they clam up or act in ways that felt dismissive?

These are all clues on how they may react when you talk to them about your mental health and whether they have the emotional capacity to handle sensitive conversations. 

How to broach the subject

Do it in person, and practice what you want to say beforehand.

If it helps, you can even jot down some notes to help with your thought processes. This can include concrete examples of how your mental health condition affects you, share ways of how they may be able to support you through it, and encourage them to ask any questions and talk about any concerns, so you can answer them openly and honestly. 

The conversation can be a casual and comfortable one rather than a big secret reveal or something that leads to awkwardness. However, you should tell them while you’re feeling well, rather than when you’re actively struggling with an episode of anxiety, depression, psychosis or mania, so you can explain things clearly and respond to your partner’s concerns.

You should also have this conversation while both of you are feeling calm. If emotions are running high, this can lead to miscommunication and negative feelings. 

If you don’t feel capable of having an in-depth conversation, perhaps because you are in the middle of a depressive episode, you can always share links and information from online resources that you partner can read in their own time, and resume the conversation when you’re ready. 

Photo by Waldemar Brandt on Unsplash

The bottom line

Each relationship, whether or not a partner has mental health problems, has its own problems and challenges. If you are worried about their reaction and if they have shown a lack of acceptance, this may ring some warning bells about the relationship in general.

Remember, many people who have or had a mental health condition are in happy, supportive relationships, and the right person will accept you for who you are. 

Photo by Maico Pereira on Unsplash

If you or someone you love may be struggling with their mental health, consider seeking professional help through counselling online.

Common Care provides a full-service online therapy platform with the largest selection of qualified online therapists. After completing an initial intake assessment, we recommend suitable therapists based on your needs, preferences and goals in therapy.  Begin therapy anytime, anywhere at affordable prices.