Ask a Therapist - Sep 3 2020
Sometimes I can't handle my emotions, I will feel angry without reason, and it feels too hard, can you reply me on how to settle down my case?? Thank you.
- Amelie
Dear Amelie
Thank you for your question. It sounds like your emotions, especially anger, got hold of you at times and you seem to feel frustrated and helpless as you don’t know why you felt angry and how to deal with it. Anger management starts first with increasing self-awareness and practicing healthy ways of managing your emotions and feelings of anger.
Anger is a normal emotion
Anger is one of the four primary emotions (alongside happiness, sadness and fear), ranging from the mild ones like annoyance, irritation, hostility etc. to more intensive ones like aggression, rage, fury etc.
Every emotion has its functions. Feeling angry is a signal to us that our boundary has been compromised, we are treated unfairly, or we and/or our loved ones are under real or perceived threats, which triggers us to react by fighting back and protecting ourselves. In other words, anger, which has its survival benefit to human beings, is a normal emotional experience for any of us.
It becomes an emotion with a negative connotation because of our subjective judgment, social and cultural norms and the mere fact that anger, when expressed unhealthily, often leads to abuse, violence and legal consequences.
Why do we feel angry?
Sometimes, it is easy for us to notice what provokes us when there is a clear precipitating event, e.g. being jumped the line, or being forced to apologize even it is not our fault. At other times, when we feel angry, there doesn’t seem to be a single trigger that we can pinpoint to and by the time we realize it, it becomes a feeling that appears to come out of the blue. However, it is not really the case. Often, we lack sufficient self-awareness of our inner processes, such as emotional/ mental state, bodily sensations, thoughts, which hinders us to recognize our feeling of anger as it occurs. Perhaps, we have been feeling annoyed, having mild headaches and struggling to concentrate due to a series of minor anger-provoking incidents but we fail to recognize it until it builds up to a point of explosion then we know we are really mad.
In addition, we might feel angry about our feelings, e.g. irritated by getting upset or feeling jealous easily, rather than concerning a specific person or incident. Our feelings of anger and reasons for feeling angry can be more subtle to notice and may only be accessible when we reflect deeply and consistently or are guided by professional helpers in therapy.
Possible ways to cope with anger effectively
Generally speaking, one can use some ‘calming/soothing strategies’ or ‘venting strategies’ to help effectively relieve feelings of anger. Some prefer to calm themselves immediately, e.g. refocusing on each in-breath and out-breath, counting 1 to 10, or doing some repetitive actions without any thinking involved like tidying up, doing dishes. Others prefer to vent it all out and some healthy options are e.g. punching a pillow or a stuffed animal, squeezing a stress ball, or hitting a punching bag.
Of course, we can’t stress more the role of social support; it would help if you can find somebody whom you trust to talk to. If you catch yourself getting provoked in a social situation and you feel like you cannot handle it, it would be helpful take a break and remove yourself from the situation.
Doing so is to buy yourself some time to pause and cool down, and once you regain a sense of control or peace, you can then work on problem-solving and respond more wisely. What is more fundamental is to improve our self-awareness so that we can notice more easily what inner or outer conditions have contributed to our impending or full-blown anger, and then figure out how we really want to respond.
Anger is a normal and healthy emotion and doesn’t hurt us, but it does when we handle it unhealthily. Unhealthy ways of dealing with difficult emotions such as feelings of anger is by suppressing it, distracting ourselves from it, letting it override us and leading to violence and aggression. If you continue to find that your anger is bothering you which significantly disrupts your daily functioning, perhaps, you should consider seeking help from a professional counsellor or psychologist.
Hope the above response provides you some tentative help, Amelia.
Best wishes
Jessica
Jessica Tang is a Clinical Psychologist at Common Care Central providing 1:1 professional talk therapy online. Get to know Jessica
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